CUPCAKES, CHEETOS, AND COOKIES, OH MY

CUPCAKES, CHEETOS, AND COOKIES, OH MY!
By Marsha Jordan

Are you the type of person who eats when you're stressed? I am. I eat when I'm stressed, when I'm sad, when I'm happy, and when I'm tired. I believe there's a food for every mood.

I eat for any reason at any time. I eat when I'm watching television, I eat while riding in the car, and I even eat while sitting at the computer. There are enough crumbs in my keyboard to feed a troupe of boy scouts. Every once in a while, I just shake it over the table and announce to the husband, "Dinner's ready!"

I eat too much, too often. Since I was a kid, I've had a weight problem. I could never weight for the next meal. I began wearing a girdle to school in kindergarten, and I've been on diets for most of my life.

I recently began yet another new eating regimen. Forbidden food groups include appetizers and desserts, anything processed or fried, and anything with meat or dairy products in it. I must also avoid all foods seen on TV commercials or restaurant menus. I cannot eat anything prepared by my grandma, Aunt Hildegard, my third cousin twice removed, or any other member of the family. It's called the Oriental Diet. I can eat all I want from the specified food list (celery, kale, bok choi, and those tiny ears of corn), but I must use only one chopstick.

This week, I've failed miserably at sticking to my eating plan. I've had an insatiable appetite for junk food. In addition to a dumpster load of Hostess Twinkies, I've devoured roughly eleven cases of raspberry Fig Newtons and eight and a half pounds of extra crunchy Cheetos. I can't be sneaky about it either. When the husband asks if I've eaten all the Cheetos, how can I look innocent when my fingers and teeth are orange?

Wouldn't you think that after stuffing myself with junk food all week I'd be satisfied? I'm not. In fact, the more I eat, the more I crave. If I continue this way, I'll need a front end loader to lift my carcass out of the Lazy Boy.

To make matters worse, I don't get enough exercise. But I really can't do much that's physical, because I think I pulled a fat cell. I'm barely able to crawl to the kitchen for six square meals a day.

I really need to lose weight. I want to know how it feels to bend over and tie my shoes without cutting off the blood supply above my waist and feeling as if my intestines are being pushed out my ears. It would be great to zip my jeans without fainting from lack of oxygen. So I must get back on track. I'll paste on my refrigerator door that old proverb uttered by some wise sage: "If it tastes good, spit it out."

From now on, I'll plan my meals around a main dish of parsley. Only nutritional foods will pass my lips, like rutabagas, spinach, and celery -- stuff that takes half an hour to chew. By the time I swallow them, my aching jaws will be too tired to munch extra-crunchy Cheetos or anything else. Now if I could only figure out a way to make veggies taste like turtle cheesecake.

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Marsha Jordan is the author of "Hugs, Hope, and Peanut Butter"

Visit her official website.

I first read this on Mikey's Funnies

Sad

I just think life is a little unfair. I heard about another adoptive parent who is having a very hard time and because of stress has lost 40 pounds. When my friend Cindy gets stressed, she loses weight and right now she weighs all of about zero pounds.

If stress makes you lose weight I should be losing ten pounds a week.

NO FAIR!

Racquetball

Did get in 45 minutes of racquetball today too. I needed it because I was really stressed out and high strung. Good thing I relaxed myself, because a lot of not so fun things have happened in our lives since then.

Got beat by Jimmy, but beat Dominyk and Tony. Had a good workout.

Weighed myself and I haven't lost or gained anything in the last few weeks.

Anyone else weigh in? Anyone else get some exercise?

Small Victories

Well, it's 11:30 a.m.

This morning I had one yogurt and half a can of fat free pringles. They taste like oily cardboard, BUT, you can have 15 of them for one weight watchers point.

I had a glass of water.

That is all I have eaten all day.

The kids are home, I might go the Y and weigh in and play racquetball.

Tuesday and Wednesday

With all of the stress of our recent court hearings which you can read all about on my personal blog if you wish, I have been under tons of stress. And when I am under stress and feel like I have no time, I don't get in any exercise and I eat what is around me.

Are you all going to go down the wrong path because I'm not being a good "leader"? Someone out there who is willing, jump in here and comment and lead us by example. Please!

How was Monday?

Successes or Failures to report for Monday?

A Dieting "Funny"

8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DIETING
By W. Bruce Cameron
www.wbrucecameron.com

With every new pronouncement made by nutrition experts, it is becoming more and more difficult for Americans to obtain a simple, clear answer to what is, for most of us, the key question about our diets: "How can I avoid exercise and eat lots of fatty foods and yet still have the body of a fashion model?"

For men, of course, there is some flexibility--they don't necessarily want to look like fashion models, they just want to date fashion
models. But women are bombarded with sexy images of female bodies from all directions, making it sound as if every product manufactured in the world can be enjoyed only if you are made of two-percent body fat.

Grimly, women face the mirror and pledge that they will deny themselves nearly all food but not chocolate. They will eat no desserts unless it is someone's birthday or something, and they will order nothing off a menu unless it contains the words "Chicken Caesar."

On the other hand, most male weight-loss plans consist of lying to their wives about what they really had for lunch. But studies have shown that (a) many, if not most, American men need to go on a diet, and (b) men don't care about (a). Men reason that since it is easier for them to lose weight than it is for women, they don't need to bother with it.

To aid dieters of all known genders, I've researched the current data on weight loss and condensed it here, in a handy, eight-point guide.

Rule # 1:

Apparently, there is some relationship between how often you open your mouth and how often you put food into it. To reduce your caloric consumption, try keeping your lips together, especially when you are in the presence of a cheese cake.

Rule # 2:

There seems to be some disagreement among scientists over what causes fat. It has been noted that chubby laboratory rats who are fed a steady diet of ice cream sundaes seem unreasonably joyful--so perhaps experiencing pleasure causes weight gain. You might find that you can drop pounds by deliberately being unhappy. Coincidentally, I can think of no better way to make yourself miserable than to go around hungry all the time, so you're in luck.

Rule # 3:

Dieters should remember that proteins, fats, and carbohydrates are the building blocks of life and should be avoided at all costs.

Rule # 4:

Some people argue that the healthiest diet is the one on which our species lived when we resided in caves and had to go everywhere on foot, even to the drive-thru windows. We were scavengers then, feeding off the fresh kills left by wolves. To emulate this diet in modern times, track a couple of loose dogs through your neighborhood and then steal and eat whatever they pull out of the trash cans.
You'll lose weight!

Rule # 5:

Chewing actually burns calories. The more you chew, the more you lose weight. The more you eat, the more you chew. Seems pretty logical to me.

Rule # 6:

Food is the fuel our bodies burn in order to enable us to do physical things like using the television remote. To lose weight, consider alternative sources of energy, like solar panels, or wind power. (Remember those beanie caps with the propellers on top?)

Rule # 7:

My cat is very thin. It licks its fur all day and then once a week throws up on the carpet. This would probably work for people, too, though I don't want to be the first one on my block to try it.

Rule # 8:

Probably the biggest problem is when you go back for second helpings at every meal. Avoid this temptation by loading your plate with enough food the first time around.

The goal here is to get to the point where you feel good about your body whenever you see your reflection. But nothing will work if you don't have the courage and resolve to stick to a diet.

Or, barring that, to get rid of your mirrors.

From The Cameron Column, a free Internet newsletter:
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2006. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.

I got this from www.mikeysFunnies.com.

A New Week

How did everyone do on Sunday? I amazed myself at how much i could actually eat with only part of my stomach supposedly available to me. We had a potluck at church and I had a plate of food. Yes, that is less than I would have a year ago, but still way more than is supposed to fit. Then last night after a family bowling event we had pizza. I was able to eat a substantial amount of food.

What about the rest of you? Good food choices? Exercise? How did Sunday go? How is today going?

Any Updates for friday or saturday?

I met my goal this week -- 3 times, exercising 40+ minutes each day. I played raquetball for 50 today and won every game.

I'm not reporting what I eat yet. Small steps.

Anyone have a report from Friday or Saturday? Anyone weigh in? Anyone exercise? Anyone eat right?

Exercise on January 4, 2007

i was planning to go the YMCA for 40 mintues today, but I only had 40 minutes ... and an argument with Salinda took some of that time, plus I was cleaning the kitchen and on my feet for 45 minutes and my back was killing me so much that I knew I wasn't going to be able to play racquetball.

So, I failed today.

What about y'all? Did you exercise today?

Breakfast Today

Anyone on target for this morning? Eat what you were supposed to for breakfast?

Exercise on January 3, 2007

Another 40 minutes of racquetball for me today, but I lost to Jimmy and almost lost to Tony who is only 11. I beat him twice. My arm hurts. My back hurts. I sweat again.

What about you guys? Anybody else get their 40 minutes in on Wednesday January 3?

Pea Green Soup

My kids never get tired of this joke:

Say pea green soup after everything I say.

What did you have for breakfast? pea green soup

What did you have for lunch? pea green soup

What did you have for dinner? pea green soup

What did you do all night?

PEA GREEN SOUP!!!


So, my question for you..... what did you have for breakfast?

What did you have for lunch?

If you honestly answer this question, i will too, and I can guarantee you that I will win the least healthiest award for both meals.

Exercise Challenge

According to Lap Band Post Surgery Guidelines, I am supposed to exercise 40 minutes three times a week. So, finding this the most difficult of all to do (making myself exercise is even harder for me than making myself not eat something) I am going to make that my first challenge today.

We can break up the 40 minutes however we want to do it. You can do 40 minutes straight, four ten minute episodes, 2 twenty minutes, whatever is easiest.

When it is done you can have the joy of posting a comment hear saying you got it done today. I plan to go to the YMCA later today and play raquetball for a full hour if my back holds out, or for a half hour and then ride the exercise bike.

So, get out there and do it... and post it here.

Let's Get it Started, Yeah...

Those of you who are in on this 2007 Challenge, here’s what I’m thinking.

First of all, I’m thinking that this site needs a new color, but I’ll work on that. Anyone have any preferences on that?

Then I’m thinking we should choose a weekly weigh in date. Anybody care what day that is?

Anybody interested in posting a "before" picture or would that be just WAY too dumb?


And finally, each day anybody who wants to can post comments about successes, failures, etc. We can cheer each other on and you are free to say “Shame on you!” to me if you’d like.

Let me know your thoughts.